Happy Blogoversary To Me!!

I can't believe today is my 3-year blogging anniversary! I am amazed at all the Lord has brought me through from the time I started this journey until now. This blog began as a sort of therapy as I emerged from what was an 18-month journey from the depths of postpartum depression, anxiety, and (at the beginning) psychosis which included two hospitalizations. I truly have so much for which to be thankful!

This blog was my therapy on my journey to being a healthy mom for this little guy. I never even knew what a blog was until after reaching out and joining a MOPS group one of the moms sent me a link to hers, Neener Girl and Family. Thank you Renee! My blog started out as a daily journal to chronicle my victories, and it evolved from there.

Here I am in the beginning of my 18-mo. postpartum "sickness" journey;

I can remember distinctly the depths of despair I was feeling with the overwhelming

 thought that there was no way I could capably raise this child.

And in this picture, finally emerging from it victoriously, and experiencing some of the first true joys of motherhood as I took my then 20-mo-old on his first sledding excursion.

 And here is the now 4-1/2-yr-old face of this sweet little boy 

that is the greatest gift the Lord has ever bestowed upon me.

Boo at the Zoo 2012 with my little SuperHero

I am so thankful for all of you who stop here. You have blessed me in more ways than you know!

As always,
Thank you for visiting!

We like our books and a taste of Africa

This morning turned out to be a little book reading fest for Julian. He brought one book after another for me to read to him for the better part of one hour. He couldn't get enough of reading. Then he picked up the CD of bible songs and says "Jesus, Jesus" over and over so we played that for a while and we even got him dancing a bit.

I am continuing in my book on (King) David by Beth Moore (A Heart Like His). Today the reading was in Psalm 142 when David was hiding from Saul in a cave. It says he cried out to the Lord, he poured out his complaint to him, "before him I tell my trouble". What came to mind was another passage, 1Peter 5:7 that says "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." David was pouring his heart out to the Lord in a time of deep despair. Again I see how David, whenever he is overwhelmed or anxious, prays. He brings his troubles to the Lord. While I was in my depression sometimes that was all I could do; pray and bring my troubles to the Lord even when day to day things didn't change. I think Beth Moore is right on track when she says that God honors us when go to him and tell him exactly how we feel. God always responds to our cry for help, even if we're not seeing it.

We had some time at the library today to refresh our stash of books. Julian had a great time entertaining himself with puzzles, blocks, "reading" a few books and playing with a little train set while daddy sat by him reading and I was off browsing.

I wasn't prepared for what happened later in the afternoon. I was getting ready for a friend to come over for dinner. This is someone we met at church from Nigeria who wanted to cook us a meal in our home. I was straightening up the area where Julian plays, the kitchen, etc. when I decided to put on some music. I have a stereo "juke box" that holds a lot of CDs so I wasn't sure what would come on when I hit play. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me when my "Sing over Me" Christian lullaby CD came on with the song "How great is our God". Immediately I am in a flashback listening to this CD just after having my C-section when Julian was born when it brought such serenity. Then my mind flashed to Portage WI where I lived with my in-laws for a time who helped care for Julian when I was deep in postpartum depression and this CD was one of the only things that brought any sense of peace. Then I flashed to times when the depression dragged on and I would try in vain to connect with God through this CD yet I could not shake the feelings of bleakness and meaninglessness of life that I was shrouded in. I just sat there in the living room this afternoon and let the tears stream down my face as I was awash once again with the realization of the depths of the pit that the Lord pulled me out of - the darkness he set me free from. The tears were a bit sad, but also being so moved by this.

I had to come back to the task at hand and finished my cleaning and then I got Julian up from his afternoon nap. He has been practicing putting his socks on every time he wakes up from a nap now. He sits in the crib and stretches out his legs. I am just delighted as I watch him stretch the sock over his little toes. He usually catches his big toe in the sock and lets go so the sock hangs on his foot. Then he looks up at me with his wide grin. He's so happy to be doing it even just a little bit and I am alongside him just beaming.

So our friend Efosa came over with all the fixings for cooking a Nigerian meal of fried rice. Our kitchen was filled with the wonderful smell of exotic spices while he cooked. He had us hang out and relax while he was busy in the kitchen. The meal was wonderful and we were impressed that Julian loved it too. We weren't sure if he'd even eat it since it was plenty spicy. He did do a bit of rubbing his mouth and I would say "spicy, spicy" letting him know where that feeling was coming from. The conversation was good too as Efosa wanted to hear the story of how Lanty and I met and we got to know more about him, his three siblings and his somewhat new relationship. Julian was starting to have meltdowns a little bit after Efosa left so we knew it was time to call it a night. I think that's my cue too for calling it a day.

Catching up on the latest...

Wow I haven't had a new posting for February yet.....time got away from me. I'm putting together the highlights from the past several days to share.

On Sunday we finished a sermon series on the Holy Spirit that was powerful and encouraging. It was a four part series and this last part was one that I could very much relate to. It was titled "pain filled prayer" looking at Romans 8:18-27. I will share verse 26 since that captures how the Holy Spirit is at work. ²⁶In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ²⁷And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. How powerful! When I'm in those times I feel like I can't pray or am so far from God I can't connect, the Holy Spirit in my knows exactly what to pray for me and intercedes on my behalf! That is powerful.

Our speaker focused on the work of the Holy Spirit when you are suffering or in pain. He shared that during times of suffering there may come a point where God seems absent or we feel furthest away from him and it's at those times he said, that the Holy Spirit is doing his greatest work in you. This took me back to the days of my depression, when I was in that place of separation. I felt so far from God, I couldn't "find" him anymore or even hear his voice. I had no idea at the time, since this was the first time I had experienced any type of depression or suffering on this level, I had no idea this was when the Lord was doing his greatest work in me. The time I finally got better happened after I went into the hospital a 2nd time and then was living with my son at my sister's home for a month. My meds had been changed which I think was a big help and I began working through the things that brought me tons of anxiety until the anxiety started going away. That part (the anxiety going away) I credit to the Lord's hand since it came about so quickly and I was able to return home to Wisconsin and only got better once I was home. So I'm grateful for this sermon and how it reminds me of all the work the Lord did even when I couldn't feel his presence. I praise him for never leaving me like his promise in Deuteronomy 31:6...For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Thank you Lord.

The highlight for me on Monday was during a time I was making (or trying to make) homemade bread. The bread turned out to be a flop since it never did rise (the yeast was probably a year old but I didn't realize until after). The neat thing was while working on the bread Julian wanted to be in the kitchen with me. I continue to introduce things in the kitchen to him like talking about what I'm doing and what I'm making, letting him hold the spoon with me as I stir, so I tried to think of something fun for him. I ended up getting out a big soup pot and putting a little water in it and then I let him hold the spoon as we sprinkled some flour into the pot. I called it "flour soup" and gave him a wire whisk and showed him how to stir. He went from standing over the pot and stirring to getting intensely involved, sitting on the floor with the pot between his legs just stirring and stirring. Apparently he was having too much fun because I starting seeing a little puddle on the floor and caught him sticking his hands down into the pot, then I noticed his clothes both top and pants were soaked! He was wet through to his onesie and yet he loved every minute of it.

On Tuesday we started a new class, Toddler Time at the library. They sing songs, do rhymes and finger play for 20 minutes in a small group. I was a little nervous since Julian tends to wander a bit when we aren't carrying him around so I didn't know what he'd be like but he was great. He did really well sitting on his little carpet square and was very intent on watching everyone. He didn't join in with the clapping or wiggling of his feet, and things but I think that was more because he was entranced watching everyone else. Afterward we had fun hanging out at the library where he was drawing with crayons, going in and out of a little crawl space building and I was picking out books for him. He just loves books. When we're hanging out at home he will pick out and bring book after book and say "sit?", "read?" and he can be read to for hours. What I love most is watching him stand with a book open on the couch and he's "reading" it to himself! I have to get that on video so he can watch himself someday.

Later that night we had our small group meeting (a group of people from our church) yet only 1 person could come so she came to our house and we had a good time of sharing about what God's been doing in our lives, sharing areas that we need prayer and places we were reading in the Bible and what we're learning about.

On Wednesday we went to our play group called "Pal Zone" which meets at a local church. I'm starting to get to know a few of the moms there. It's been intense for me since there is some refereeing I end up doing as the kids interact with one another and some crying or squabbling comes up. That's helping to stretch me in patience and discerning when I need to step in and help. A neat part of the group time is doing a craft after story time and since the story was about a bear they had a bear mask that each of the children were given to color and put on a stick. At times Julian's attention span isn't quite long enough to focus on the craft the entire time but today he was focused. He had such intensity about him as he was coloring that our leader "Birch" was commenting on it. We came home with a nice scribbly brown & red mask. I really see how he's learning and growing from watching him in circle time. Today was the first time he went to the front of the room when they called his name and he picked up his name tag and put it on the board by himself. I was so proud of him. In the past he's gone up there but not really known what to do so I directed him. It's so neat to see him get things on his own.

Another fun thing was our field trip to the pet store. I got him (yet another) fish today. This is after going through TWELVE of them already. I was talked into getting the tropical fish but this time got the 27 cent goldfish and I think he's going to be around a while. He's actually very pretty, gold/orange with a black stripe down is back with a black tail. We named him George. So we have a goldfish and a shrimp (algae eater) as the shrimp was the only thing to survive all those rounds of fish.

Today we had our Titus group which is our mom's group at our church. The pastor's wife was speaking today about safeguarding our marriage. This was really good information which was practical and down to earth ways to take steps of keeping your marriage relationship a priority.

Finally, I again see another theme that the Lord is bringing out through my life. I think I said before I always pay attention when I see or hear the same verse or subject in different ways like it's God's way of speaking to me that something is important. Lately this theme is about prayer. A little story about that is that I've wanted to do something where I'm serving in ministry, sharing my gifts/talents to help others yet it's been hard to think of something to do that won't cost money like having to hire a babysitter to do it. Then I remembered a place I volunteered before and that's Carenet Pregnancy Center. They help women in crisis pregnancies as their main ministry but also help women who have gone through an abortion and are struggling about it afterward. I began to pray if this was where the Lord wanted me to be serving as I remembered they had prayer volunteers who were sent information weekly on how to pray for the various ministries. It was neat to see God's hand in this as I emailed my friend who is the director and she said this has been a burden on her heart for a while, to gather a team to pray for Whole Heart which is there post-abortion ministry. I remember thinking how easy it would be to think praying on a weekly basis isn't really "doing" much for sharing gifts or serving. But deep in my heart I felt the Lord saying and showing me how important the ministry of prayer is. How he is deeply moved by prayer. Then there were two different places that I saw prayer as the focus. One was on a newsletter I am getting, they were actually offering a free CD entitled "Life-Changing Prayer" and another place was a Christian woman speaker's website (Nancy Leigh DeMoss) about the importance of prayer. I see the room for growth I have since my prayer life has dwindled of late and now the last couple days I've had times of rich prayer where I give myself open time just to let the Lord lead and my mind goes to many different people, family, friends, situations and it's been very fulfilling. So again I thank the Lord for his continuing work in my life and what he reveals to me.