An Audience of One

Picture Credit: topwalls.net

I can't remember exactly the first chain letter I received, but I do remember that I diligently made my multiple copies of it and sent it out to the required number of people. It had some rather harsh wording in it to warn you what would happen if you broke the chain. Does anyone else remember those old chain letters? The ones that promised for writing them out you would receive some sort of blessing or good luck or some other hokey thing? This was in the age well before computers and email, in the 70's and 80's, but now chain letters have morphed to emails that we should forward and also various Facebook posts where you'll be tagged and asked to continue . I've been pretty good about avoiding most of them, but then one came around about Thankfulness. I was tagged by someone today and there was something about this one that I didn't let it pass by. I think the Lord wanted to do something in my heart, for it ended up being quite a blessing to write it.  

Here is what I shared on Facebook:

Thank you Patty March for inviting me to share what I'm thankful for. Since I'm not much for chain letters and such, I'm changing it around to just posting one Thankful post and sharing what comes to my mind. Anyone who wishes to share something they are thankful for is welcome to comment below!

**I am so thankful for finding Jesus. After stumbling around in the darkness for years especially after my mom died, He reached out and never let go even through the darkness of an 18-month severe postpartum depression. This song speaks it so well for me.  This Journey is My Own (Sara Groves)

**Thankful for the blessing of family. For my mother, and what comes to mind is how she taught me to live with an open heart and willingness to love; my father, who taught me how to work with passion, discipline, and with the determination to never give up; for my sisters who taught me what it was to share life together, to laugh and cry together, to forgive and care for one another.

**And finally, so thankful for my two-becoming-one marriage which has been the best challenge the Lord has presented me yet; learning how to put to death the "kingdom of self" and live for the kingdom of God through a loving, for-giving, and grace-filled relationship with Christ at the center, and which also brought forth the greatest blessing of lives, our sweet son Julian. And it is his little sweet soul which is teaching me the joy of being a mother; the day-by-day moments of ordinary-ness turned extraordinary in seeing life through his eyes, and cultivating the soil of his heart that he blossom into the young man God has created him to be.

I hope you have been blessed in reading this, and although you certainly don't have to worry about leaving a comment, you might just find yourself blessed if you do ;)

Thank you for visiting!

Speaking From the Heart ... Suicide is the S Word

I am sure a lot will be said in the public realm about the passing of Robin Williams.  Some will be compassionate, and some not. I speak as one who knows that dark hour, who has personally walked thorugh that "dark night of the soul" and yet somehow for me the "glass did break" and I was restored and returned and am here today to speak out.

It was after the death of my mother who succumbed to breast cancer that I went on a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts, and the Lord found me and captured my heart. I truly do not know if I would still be here had I not found Jesus. I know that having faith is no assurance you will make it through the depths of despair. Yet I will never forget the night that I was so despondent that my husband had to hide all the pills and knives in our home. I crawled out of bed that night and crept downstairs. I opened the phone book and found the Suicide Prevention hotline (LINK HERE) As I was talking to the agent, there was an odd click and I thought I was disconnected. Instead, I found myself talking to the head nurse at Meriter Hospital Psych Ward, the ward I had just been discharged from several weeks prior. She was confused and asked who I was and why I was calling. I explained I had been calling Suicide Prevention but was somehow disconnected and patched through to them. She actually remembered me which as you read below may not be surprising. I was the "psychotic depressed postpartum woman" who ended up in her Psych Ward for two inpatient stays over a period of three weeks just after my son was born. She said to me "TRACEY, YOU DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK HERE! You will be OK. You will make it through it. Just go back to sleep and get some rest, you are going to get better."  It was true, I did NOT want to go back there. Being hospitalized in the psych ward was a scary thing in a scary place. It was not comforting to be there. So I hung up the phone, woke up my husband, and you know what he did? He opened his Bible and all I remember from my haze of non-sleep that night is that he read, and read, and read those words over me nonstop for hours until the morning and the painful desire to END IT ALL finally left.  That was truly my darkest night.  I still had over 9 months to go before the depression fully lifted. But I was shaken to the core by how God's hand reached out through that darkness (and literally through the phone lines), how not only was He holding me moment by moment through it--even when it didn't feel like He was there--but He lifted me out of it by His grace.

For those who have not personally endured mental illness, I am so thankful. So thankful that you have not had to endure the personal and crippling pain, and the pain of the stigma that you carry for the inward challenges that are upon you and at times consume your life. Yet for any who wonder how someone could ever think of doing something "so selfish", I want to share a video, a video that is painful to watch, as you hear the parents of a soldier sharing his final note. In sharing this video, I hope we are shaken to the core to reach out to those around us in our own corner of the world, to speak Hope, Love, and Truth to these people walking through their darkest nights; this man's story is tragic and so hard to bear. Yet in watching it, we are honoring his life, honoring his pain, and allowing the Lord to open our eyes to the numbing pain so many people in this world are walking through. Like the verse from 1Corinthians 2:11a "For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? ....  Here is the video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BiNq677QQQ

In my life, I now see that Jesus truly is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and it is only when we cling to Him, truly cling to Him with all we've got, that we can ever hope to find the true peace that passes all understanding (Phillipians 4:7)

Below I will share what I posted on Facebook, in the hopes that by not being silent, others can come to know the Lord's healing, that the way we approach mental illness will be transformed, and those suffering will be restored to a sense of purpose and hope.
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From my Facebook status: In light of the tragic news we heard today of Robin Williams' passing, I wrote a comment on my sister's Facebook post that gave me courage to speak out and share some of my own story.

There was an incredible article recently in USA today that powerfully delves into this epidemic (link below). Having been there myself, this resonates in a way I can't easily put into words. The figure I'm reading is that 1 in 4 adults are currently struggling with mental illness and 1 in 5 children. That is staggering. Having been a patient more than once in "the system" myself, I can attest to how broken it is -- one example was the Director of Inpatient Psychiatry somehow thought it would make me feel better during my postpartum hospitalization to know "they were poring over all the latest medical articles and research" so they could best treat me as they had little experience dealing with postpartum psychosis. Really???? What a wake up call. This was in 2008.

As my illness dragged on for 18 months and I fell into utter despair, I truly began to feel that my husband, my family would be better off without me. It was not until I felt this complete and utter despair that I could truly understand how it felt to want to end your life. And now I will never forget it.

In one part of the article linked below they quote Rick Warren, the well known author/pastor who lost his son to his depression. They said "Warren compares the stigma of mental illness to that of AIDS and HIV. In both cases, people are blamed for bringing suffering upon themselves."

What is on my heart more than anything else, is that we need a system that brings hope, dignity, and restoration to those who are suffering. It is my prayer that this tragedy would resonate in every community and household that what "we" are doing as a society to bring restoration and hope for those affected, is in dire need of overhaul.

http://www.usatoday.com/longform/news/nation/2014/06/25/stigma-of-mental-illness/9875351/

Thank you so much for reading! This is a subject that is dear to my heart. I have such a clear memory of the many things I endured as I walked through the depression, and now have a true understanding of my husband who has lived with cyclical depression all of his adult life. Somehow I think in all this there is a book in me, and I hope to write it. Maybe this will be the first chapter. But my heart is so thankful for the love and support of those who ministered to us through our journey. I have a new understanding of the true power of prayer. We will never know on this side of heaven how the Lord hears and answers prayers, but me being here today is truly an answer to prayer. May the Lord Bless all who see this page. Amen.

I want to leave you with a song that has blessed my heart. A song of hope that has for me a feel of an anthem. May you be blessed. Oceans by Hillsong United

Fixing Our Eyes on What is Unseen

It is 4 days now since my husband got out of the hospital, and we are experiencing God's hand of grace. The struggle has not ceased, but my husband has had the strength to return to work and has worked the past 2 days. We had a wonderful weekend together as a family, spending time at places we love like The Memorial Union Terrace off Lake Mendota and taking a day trip to Devil's Lake State Park. We have had some good times of prayer, and the Lord has blessed us with many friends and family coming alongside us for prayer, support, encouragement and fellowship.

Now this is strictly my opinion, but from my experience, depression with intense anxiety is a medical issue that can be hard to put into words and explain to others. If I hadn't gone through it myself in a severe post partum time, I really could not empathize very well with my husband. It's the kind of "being sick" that is difficult for others to understand if they haven't experienced deep depression themselves. When my husband had this kind of depression in the past before I had been through my own, it was actually really hard for me to understand how his thoughts were debilitating to him. I pictured him being able to have more power over his thoughts, and more ability to "get better". It is just not so. I now know first hand that these thoughts can have a life of their own, and you really feel like a different person since you're so far from your "normal" self and feel like you may never again get back to "normal". There can be so much pain in that, especially when you're a person of faith and feel you should be able to "trust" your way out of it. It so different from having a broken arm or something visible like that where people can imagine the physical pain and have such an easy time relating to you. That in itself brings a lot of anxiety.

We have found our greatest weapons in this are prayer and praise. It helps us to step outside of our situation and focus on the Lord by laying our requests before him in a spirit of worship. We have had several sweet times of fellowship together getting out a song book and singing praise songs. It is such an intense reminder that truly we are spiritual beings moving through this human world, and the Lord is holding our hands as we are poised to enter eternity with Him. I love this verse taken from the chapter in 2Corinthians 4 "Treasures in Jars of Clay":

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So there is victory through suffering, and we wait on the Lord in this. In the meantime, I have this post from Ann Voskamp's blog A Holy Experience to share. It caught me off guard, the video she shares at the bottom had the caption "This is grace." It tore me up. I was left sobbing with an overwhelming sense of His true grace in all our trials, especially the one my family is in right now. The words the man speaks at the end of the video affirmed everything about my Savior. I think that's what tore me up; to have this shared truth and seeing someone else living it out in the midst of such intense struggle. But they count it all grace. Thank you Lord, that you are Grace poured out.

Here is the video:

This was grace - short film from Andrew Laparra on Vimeo.

Thanks for visiting!

Picture Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Few Words Right Now

These are just a few quick pictures that I really like showing J feeding some ducks at the lake.

We are going through a rough time on the home front and I haven't given a lot of thought to writing lately. I have all kinds of pictures I'd like to put together and do a post showing some more fun we've been having this summer, but I'm just laying low for a while. We're in the midst of a storm with my husband and a bout of depression, so we ask for prayers and hopefully I will return here soon.

Welcome to My Home

Welcome to My Home!

I was so excited to finally get my garden planted yesterday and I decided to take some pictures. I ended up going around the entire house (condo) taking pictures of everything growing and doing a little picture tour of the yard. I really am enjoying our yard as things have greened up and blooms are opening. I thought it would be nice to share a tour of our sweet, little yard.

Some background thoughts first ... as I was digging in the yard, praying for the Lord to bless our little harvest and just enjoying the smell and feel of the earth, my mind wandered back to a former time, a much darker time. I was remembering 3 summers ago being in the midst of the darkest time in my life suffering from post partum depression with psychosis and severe anxiety. As I sat in the garden just thinking upon that time, it was hard to believe that was real. Back then, I had absolutely no desire to do anything in the yard. No desire to be outside. No desire to do anything but sit in a big armchair in the living room and stare out at nothing. Whenever these memories flood back, I just thank the Lord for his faithfulness. No words can express the gratitude that wells up in my heart that he healed me.

I remember the words of Psalm 30 verse 2:

LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.

Alleluia!

And now ... Enjoy the tour ...

View of our front porch with New Guinea Impatiens and Clematis Vine

My Humble Garden
(6 tomato plants, 2 zucchini, 2 yellow squash, 2 sweet banana peppers)

The Flower Garden
(Iris, Daisies, Lillies, Russian Sage, Periwinkle, Clematis, Purple Columbine;
only purple iris in bloom)

Wider View Showing the Sandbox and Bird Feeders and the privacy fence in the back yard

Peach Iris in Bloom Outside Privacy Fence

Close Up of the Lovely Peach Iris

A little visitor (Chickadee) in the Bird Bath

This is actually my neighbor's front door with a beautiful Lilac Bush
(the scent is amazing)

This is at the end of our front walkway; a barrel with Blue Flax Flowers

Close up of the Blue Flax

Purple Iris Patch
Lillies soon to bloom
Close up of the Purple Iris
Mint in containers; for Mint Tea and Mint Mojitos

Thanks for visiting!

(Tues Post #3) My New Year Post: Reflection and Goals

I started this post about a week ago and it has taken me a long time to figure out just what I wanted to write. I started out with wanting to reflect on the year and the ways the Lord showed me his faithfulness. I do like that idea. But then I found this post at The Toy Box Years and reflecting on what goals I'd like to see fulfilled in the New Year really spoke to me too. So below, I hope you enjoy what I decided to write for both.


How did I see the Lord's faithfulness this year?

I saw this question on a blog I follow called Growing in Godliness. This question has been on my heart for the last couple months now as we've been heading toward the end of the year. Now that the New Year is here, I have taken some time to gather together the ways the Lord has shown his faithfulness to me and my family this year.


Restoring health and well being and having a wonderful year enjoying our family:
It was only October 2009 that I was in the hospital for a 2nd time during my long season of postpartum depression. It was after this and some outpatient therapy that I finally began feeling "normal" again. You don't know what relief this was and how many tears of joy I cried when I knew I had moved through what was the most difficult time of my entire life. During that season, I had lost precious time (physically and emotionally) with my new son, yet the Lord was so generous in helping me to make up for the lost time and then some!

I started this blog in January which has been such a blessing. I started off doing a journal-type blog and then as I met more bloggers and found various blog hops the format changed a bit. I became active in many different parent/child activities (Pal Zone, Titus mom's group, library story time) and began doing Tot School. We had our first trips away from home other than to visit family (February to LaCrosse, our first camping trip with J to Devil's Lake in July and September to St. Germaine/NorthWoods WI).


Answering prayer in creating relationships with other moms:
When I started 2010, it was after coming out of an 18-month postpartum breakdown period. I was dealing with such severe anxiety and depression that I was almost completely isolated. I could count on one hand the number of times I tried to go out and do an activity group with other moms. It wasn't until I had really good care at a hospital near my extended family that I began to come out of the depression. I also set concrete goals for myself and began achieving them, one building on another. One constant prayer was that I would be able to connect and form friendships with other moms. I joined a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, started attending a play group in my community called Pal Zone, joined my church's Titus group for moms and began attending library story times. It was at the Titus group that several relationships began to blossom and have grown into true friendships over the past year. This has filled me with such joy to have the encouragement, care and fellowship of other moms.

Leading me to the Lord's Table and helping me to grow in godly eating habits.
After I overcame my depression and was able to enjoy food again, the pounds came back on. I had lost all my baby weight plus another 25 pounds during the depression. I was actually at an unhealthy weight, but then I got to be the heaviest I have ever been. Weight gain and weight loss (like a yo-yo) has been a battle in my life for probably 15 years. Never had I truly sought to give this area to the Lord let alone get at the heart of my eating struggles. Until I found a website this past October with a study called The Lord's Table. That journey is still unfolding but in the most powerful way, beyond anything I've discovered before. Again, the Lord is reassuring me as in 1Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God . I am so thankful for all that is being revealed to me through this ongoing study.

Restoration of my relationship with the Lord and many ways he spoke to my heart to guide and direct me this year.
There were so many ways the Lord spoke to me through his word and in devotional time this year. During my depression, I was so wounded that a main struggle was whether I had lost my faith or had ever been a Christian at all. I had heard about spiritual attacks before, but had never experienced it on this level myself. As my healing progressed, it was like a rebirth in my relationship with my heavenly Father.

I went through some wonderful bible studies from Beth Moore and so many different insights and things I was convicted of that it's too much to list them all. One very huge one, though, is something he's been dealing with me especially recently. Unforgiveness. There was a rift in our extended family that happened during a time when I was not very able to care for my little J. During that time some very hurtful things happened, and as I got better one of the first things the Lord was doing was slowly helping me to revisit those things and begin a process of forgiveness in my heart. It is amazing all that he did. Yet over the last few months, the Lord has opened my eyes to unforgiveness that has crept back in. I am learning that it is so hard to maintain forgiveness when reconciliation isn't happening, regardless of your efforts. The Lord is speaking to my heart that there is more hurt and woundedness there that he wants to uncover and heal. I find myself rehashing some major events in my mind and holding onto bitterness. I am so thankful he is revealing this, because I am really wanting to let that go.

When I found Jennifer's post at The Toy Box Years and visited her link to Mama Smiles, my goals for 2011 just fell into place.

Health:

• Get into the YMCA 3 times a week for cardio with 2 outside walks during the week.
• Manage portion control in eating and sweets only rarely.
• Join mom’s nights out and other on-my-own times for personal rejuvenation.

Family:

• Have an activity day/night at least once a month where we do something fun together.
• Return to having date night once a month with hubby.
• Have daddy time where J and daddy go and spend quality time alone together.
• Devotional time as a family; having worship with J as well as word time.

Faith in Action:

• Become leaders at a life group (small group) at our church.
• Continue in mom’s group at church.
• Continue volunteering with children’s ministry.
• Mommy on a mission: Engage J in mission activity doing a serving activity once a month preferably with another mom.

Giving:

• Go through the home and purge what we don’t need that someone else could benefit from.

-Bedroom closets

-Hall closet

-Basement

Creativity:

• Engaging J in new activities for Tot School, like using printables and doing craft projects.
• Writing more personal posts on the blog. I am doing many blog hops and I don't want that to crowd out adding the personal aspects of what the Lord is doing in my life.
  

Homemaking:

Turn off the computer and get into some of these projects:
*Declutter kitchen counters removing all unnecessary stuff
*Find a better toy organization system so living area doesn't look so messy


Thank you to my lovely blog readers for your encouragement and support!!! I wish you and your family many blessings and a truly wonderful 2011.

Road trip to see extended family

We headed out on Saturday to my nephew's birthday party in Lockport, IL. Every time we go on a road trip I learn a little bit more about what things J likes and how best to manage him in the car. We packed a huge toy bag with coloring books, crayons (of course), a sing along toy, lots of cars and trucks, his Thomas trains, several of his favorite books right now and bristle blocks. More than he needs for he car ride, but he'll be able to play with these at my sister's where we'll stay overnight. J did really pretty good on the way down. He did drop things a lot and so to minimize the upsets I did do a lot of picking things up. We stopped at an oasis and I got him some fries. He took his fry and was pretending it was a mustache (I have a fry mustache mommy). That was funny.

When we got there J eased into playing right away. He had lots of fun. It was like Christmas for him, exploring all of his cousin Henry's toys. I could tell he's getting more comfortable with our extended family. He didn't need to be by my side as much. My sister's mother-in-law Mama Lietz read a book while J and Henry sat on her lap and cousin Blake listened too. It was nice to be able to help out in the kitchen and then get some time to chat with my family too and not be worrying about what J was up to. During dinner, he ate outside with the big kids at the picnic table and had no baby chair!


Later, I caught the tail-end of a big pillow fight/wrestling match daddy was having with cousin Blake and J was getting in there too. After opening gifts and then having cake I would think he'd have been exhausted, but he was still going. I don't think we left the party until 10pm to head over to my oldest sister's house where we stayed the night. J fell asleep in the car and was out as soon as we put him in the pack and play. I stayed up talking to my sister until about 1:30 in the morning! There was a lot of reflecting on where I had been the past couple summers with my depression and the joy she has of seeing me now, healthy and enjoying little J. There were so many ways my family was there to help me out. I find it's always good for me to talk about it.

Well, I didn't end up getting much sleep as J was up crying at 5am. I think because he was in a place he didn't recognize. He came into bed with us and half slept until we got up around 8:30. We had a really nice day of a homemade breakfast, L watching soccer while I read a book. J got to play with Uncle RoRo and later Aunt Kelly took him downstairs to play and I tried to nap. It was a really warm and humid day but after lunch/dinner we took a walk by their nature center. J wanted to see the cranes. They have two sandhill cranes in an outdoor enclosure. He loves to hear them do what sounds like honking. Finally, we got back on the road and L blessed me by driving again. I managed things for J but this time was a lot more challenging. He was really irritable and wouldn't sleep and kept crying over one thing or another. I found if I sang "hush little baby" to him he would calm down for a while.

Hard to scold when so cute

This morning before breakfast J was going around saying "I'm a digger" or "I'm a garbage truck" pretending he was driving and making truck sounds then "beep, beep" like he was backing up. Then he asked to worship so we put on our worship CD and got breakfast. Several times he was saying "mommy, I want to go on the farm". He wants to go back to the farm from Saturday. He also was saying he wants the garbage man to come again. I forgot to mention yesterday that we watched the garbage truck go through dumping all the garbage bins on our block. It has an automatic arm that comes out and grabs the bin. At first it scared him but he was entranced watching. We did our grocery shopping for the week. I had a lot of extras to get this week so it was taking a lot longer than usual. J was asking to go home. He held up pretty well though.

During my devotional time, I continued in Luke 18 (and reading Beth Moore's book Jesus the One and Only). This is the story of the rich young ruler. This man comes to Jesus to ask what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus gave him instruction like do not steal, do not commit adultery, to which he replies that he has kept those commands. Then Jesus tells him to sell everything and give it to the poor. The man is sad because he loves his possessions. About this request Jesus made, Beth shares that Jesus could see into his heart that he was a prisoner and his possessions were number one. Jesus was pointing him to the path of freedom. This man called him good teacher and Jesus corrects him by saying no one is good except God. Beth brings up Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. She shares how any good thing in us (or that comes out of us) is from God. I used to have a hard time with this idea before I found the scriptures that support it. It hurt me to think that I wasn't somehow good. Now I understand it, how nothing in me is inherently good. My sinful nature always pops up. Yet I am lovely in God's eyes and loved by him as his creation. Beth wrote that the pure-hearted pursuit of God's will is a large part of what God honors.

It was a really rainy day today so we played inside after lunch. I gave him some Thomas stickers to play with. He is funny in that he likes taking the stickers and putting them up his arm, then he'll go to the couch and stick them all to the seat. I showed him how to use paper but he likes to do it this way, since he can take them off and on over and over. At dinner, he did really well and looked like he was done because he started playing with his fork. I asked if he was all done and he said "no, cleaning up the pocket". He was taking his fork and trying to get the food that fell into his bib! But...then he started throwing it on the floor and pushing it off his tray. I scolded him and he says "I'm feeding Buca" (our cat). Then he starts going "meow, meow, meow". It was really hard to be upset anymore.

We had our life group tonight which ended up being a small group with just four of us. We missed the service having been in East Troy but we started a study on Ecclesiastes which is what my women's bible study is going through. Our host came up with some really good questions to discuss. One of the things that really stuck with me is focusing on enjoying the moment. This is something I'm aiming for with J instead of seeing this period as "the terrible twos", I'm instead looking at the challenging times as those where I get to grow and J is growing also; growing in gaining independence and yet needing guidance and direction as well as correction.

We're looking forward to the summer of informal get-togethers with our life group where we are thinking about going through a book together relating to marriage. I think that will be really good, to be able to have discussions with other couples that most likely wrestle with a lot of the same issues. Before we left, we were reminiscing about what a great year we've had in the group and how we've all connected really well. We were remembering how I came with L to the first 3 meetings and then was gone for a month and a half spending time with my family towards the end of my depression. It feels like so long ago yet it was not even one year. She shared something really humbling, that she was so touched by our openness with what we were going through and that amidst the crisis we were holding on to our faith and pushing forward. She said it was wonderful to watch us recover. I'm reading a woman's story about post-partum depression right now and it's inspiring me to get going on writing mine. Someone planted the seed for me to get my story down on paper and lately I feel God's moving me to do that. I think it's another step in the healing process and to prepare for how God may want to use this experience.

L has taken some vacation time from work for the next several days so it will be fun to have more family time. I should wrap up now since it's getting too close to midnight.

Graduation day in East Troy

(Sunday) Today was my nephew's graduation from high school. This is my husband's sister's son. We left late morning to head to East Troy, WI. J did really well in the car; reading his Cars book, doing some coloring and playing with his bristle blocks. It was an hour and a half drive. The first thing we did was introduce J to my sister-in-law Carrie's dog Rufus. He is a huge goldendoodle who still acts like a puppy. He towers over J. He was very excited and wound up with all of us there, but was giving J kisses. He knocked him over a couple times as he ran around. J seemed a bit afraid but not overly. Then after about a half hour J was looking for him and calling "Rufus, Rufus come play." Everyone went to the graduation and J and I stayed behind. I put him down for a nap and had the whole house to myself. It felt like I was on vacation, it was so relaxing and quiet. I had almost 2 hours to myself to spend a little time with God, read the paper and my book and relax outside. I found "Practicing the Presence of God" in L's bag. This is a book about Brother Lawrence. He was a "lay brother" in a monastery known for the intimacy he expressed about his relationship with God. More about him here. There are several snippets from the book that I'll share. They were so good.

"It is the obligation of every man to worship God and love him and we cannot carry this duty out as we ought unless our heart is knit in love to God, our communion is so close that we run to him at every moment just like little children who cannot stand upright without their mother's arms of love." (Beaufort)

Bro. Lawrence encourages us while we are busy throughout the day to cease for a moment, as often as we can, to worship God in the depths of our being. In this fast-paced world he challenges us to pause for an instant from time to time to worship Him within our soul, to give Him thanks, to offer our hearts of service to Him for all His loving kindness and tender mercies. This really spoke to me. I get so caught up in the day that taking the time to do this is so meaningful. I've done this a few times since and it's brought a peace and fullness to my heart as I turn my attention to Him and acknowledge Him with a hart filled with gratitude and love.

"What is most needful in the spiritual life is the practice of the presence of God; the schooling of the soul to find its joy in his divine companionship whether in temptation or tribulation, dryness of soul or even unfaithfulness by little acts of "communion" with God from the purity and simplicity of the heart."

When J woke up, I wondered what things we could do. He wanted to go outside so I searched the house for a ball and found a basketball to play with. J got bored of that after a bit so I went back inside and found some sidewalk chalk. He liked this. I was drawing circles, squares and triangles and tried to get him to copy or trace them but he didn't get the idea. He colored them in instead. I noticed when he was playing with his cars later he was lining them up on the couch like a train, one after the other. Eating was interesting. He liked the pasta salad until I snuck a carrot in there, then it was spit out. He said no right away to the Italian sausage but then came back and ate all of it. He loved the jello. It may not sound like he ate much, but this was actually good for him.

He really bonded with his cousin Dylan (he's 15-1/2). Dylan was holding him on the couch and reading him his Cars book. It's a "look and find" book so Dylan was teaching him how to look at the box full of pictures and then find each one in the main picture. He was really into it and they had fun together. Dylan was really good with him. Zach the grad opened his presents and J loved his card that played music. He figured out it played when it was opened and stopped when closed. He got so into it that he started to dance for everyone.

I was able to have some really good conversation with my sister-in-law. This is someone that really set aside her life for me when I was in the darkness of my depression. She is a teacher and has the summers off so she would come to the house and just be with me, making sure I got outside to take walks, making sure I ate even if it was just PB & J. Even just hanging out on the couch while I couldn't do much of anything. I'll never forget that.


(Monday)
Today was the first day of L's schedule change at work. During the summer, he moves from 9:30-6pm to 7-3:30pm. I really like that he gets home earlier. Today we had a play date at my friend Joan's again. Heather was there too. Joan had put together a craft project for us and the kids to make Father's Day cards. It was such a great idea. What we did was so cute; placing their hand prints on the front of the card, having them color and inserting that inside the card. While the kids were busy playing, we were able to have some really good talk time, something I find that is really important for me to get during the week. The kids had snack time and they all sat on a little blanket out on the balcony. They looked so cute together! (J got overly excited or something and hit Wren's face, not hard. He got an immediate time out.)

After J's nap, he was playing in an area just out of my sight but within earshot. He comes over to me and says: Hi, I'm playing. I said, Oh, you're playing? He says, Yes, with blocks. Then waves and says Bye! and goes back to playing. It was so cute. When we were eating, J didn't want to use his fork and this was starting a tantrum. I had the idea to ask if he wanted a big person's fork and this did the trick and he was fine then. We had our time at the Y and got home an hour earlier than normal. J, of course, wanted to play outside so I got the new bubble wand I found and we played chase the bubbles again. This is something I really enjoy. I love making the bubbles and then teaching him how to do it. I love him laughing as he runs around trying to catch them. I like this aspect of parenting where I get to play too.

Enjoyed a morning walk

After getting his Elmo present yesterday, we called my sister Amy to say thank you. Julian wanted the phone so I put him on and Amy turned on speaker phone. The kids were encouraging him and he was jabbering a bit and saying hi. He kept trying to show them things over the phone like a book or a toy. He doesn't know yet that they can't see him! Later Julian and I went for a wonderful walk around 9:30am just as the morning was warming up. Another day of bright sunshine and temps climbing into the 40's. Things are starting to thaw out.

Today my reading was in the last part of 2Samuel 6 and then 2Samuel 7. During the time of celebration David danced with all his might. Beth Moore says we may not fully "dance" before the Lord until we've had our "wailing turned to dancing" (Psalm 30:11). In other words, once we've cried out to the Lord in our dark night of the soul, he turns our despair into rejoicing. This really resonates with me just remembering how after 18 months of suffering from the darkest depression the Lord abruptly pulled me out of it. I had such deep rejoicing in my heart as the Lord set me free. Later when they were carrying the ark, Uzzah touched it and was instantly killed. Rather than seeing God as unduly harsh, says Beth, we can look at this and see God as completely holy. As we come to know him more, like David, we respect him and love him more. In chapter 7, God finally gives David rest from his enemies. God makes incredible promises to David: that his throne will be established forever, that his kingdom will endure and he will make his name great.

Later in the afternoon we spent some time at the library. Julian played with the trains and then spent some time in the little kids grocery store area. When we got home Julian wanted to hang outside for a bit and it was good timing as we had a visit from the neighbor's chocolate lab which Julian enjoyed. Lanty and I talked with his owner Jeremy for a bit and agreed it was nice to finally meet another neighbor.

Our big Saturday night outing was to the grocery store. Julian just loved it when I would go real fast with the cart and then jump on it. Good thing the store wasn't busy.

Time to wind down but I hope tomorrow is a little more exciting.

We like our books and a taste of Africa

This morning turned out to be a little book reading fest for Julian. He brought one book after another for me to read to him for the better part of one hour. He couldn't get enough of reading. Then he picked up the CD of bible songs and says "Jesus, Jesus" over and over so we played that for a while and we even got him dancing a bit.

I am continuing in my book on (King) David by Beth Moore (A Heart Like His). Today the reading was in Psalm 142 when David was hiding from Saul in a cave. It says he cried out to the Lord, he poured out his complaint to him, "before him I tell my trouble". What came to mind was another passage, 1Peter 5:7 that says "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." David was pouring his heart out to the Lord in a time of deep despair. Again I see how David, whenever he is overwhelmed or anxious, prays. He brings his troubles to the Lord. While I was in my depression sometimes that was all I could do; pray and bring my troubles to the Lord even when day to day things didn't change. I think Beth Moore is right on track when she says that God honors us when go to him and tell him exactly how we feel. God always responds to our cry for help, even if we're not seeing it.

We had some time at the library today to refresh our stash of books. Julian had a great time entertaining himself with puzzles, blocks, "reading" a few books and playing with a little train set while daddy sat by him reading and I was off browsing.

I wasn't prepared for what happened later in the afternoon. I was getting ready for a friend to come over for dinner. This is someone we met at church from Nigeria who wanted to cook us a meal in our home. I was straightening up the area where Julian plays, the kitchen, etc. when I decided to put on some music. I have a stereo "juke box" that holds a lot of CDs so I wasn't sure what would come on when I hit play. It was like getting the wind knocked out of me when my "Sing over Me" Christian lullaby CD came on with the song "How great is our God". Immediately I am in a flashback listening to this CD just after having my C-section when Julian was born when it brought such serenity. Then my mind flashed to Portage WI where I lived with my in-laws for a time who helped care for Julian when I was deep in postpartum depression and this CD was one of the only things that brought any sense of peace. Then I flashed to times when the depression dragged on and I would try in vain to connect with God through this CD yet I could not shake the feelings of bleakness and meaninglessness of life that I was shrouded in. I just sat there in the living room this afternoon and let the tears stream down my face as I was awash once again with the realization of the depths of the pit that the Lord pulled me out of - the darkness he set me free from. The tears were a bit sad, but also being so moved by this.

I had to come back to the task at hand and finished my cleaning and then I got Julian up from his afternoon nap. He has been practicing putting his socks on every time he wakes up from a nap now. He sits in the crib and stretches out his legs. I am just delighted as I watch him stretch the sock over his little toes. He usually catches his big toe in the sock and lets go so the sock hangs on his foot. Then he looks up at me with his wide grin. He's so happy to be doing it even just a little bit and I am alongside him just beaming.

So our friend Efosa came over with all the fixings for cooking a Nigerian meal of fried rice. Our kitchen was filled with the wonderful smell of exotic spices while he cooked. He had us hang out and relax while he was busy in the kitchen. The meal was wonderful and we were impressed that Julian loved it too. We weren't sure if he'd even eat it since it was plenty spicy. He did do a bit of rubbing his mouth and I would say "spicy, spicy" letting him know where that feeling was coming from. The conversation was good too as Efosa wanted to hear the story of how Lanty and I met and we got to know more about him, his three siblings and his somewhat new relationship. Julian was starting to have meltdowns a little bit after Efosa left so we knew it was time to call it a night. I think that's my cue too for calling it a day.

Catching up on the latest...

Wow I haven't had a new posting for February yet.....time got away from me. I'm putting together the highlights from the past several days to share.

On Sunday we finished a sermon series on the Holy Spirit that was powerful and encouraging. It was a four part series and this last part was one that I could very much relate to. It was titled "pain filled prayer" looking at Romans 8:18-27. I will share verse 26 since that captures how the Holy Spirit is at work. ²⁶In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. ²⁷And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. How powerful! When I'm in those times I feel like I can't pray or am so far from God I can't connect, the Holy Spirit in my knows exactly what to pray for me and intercedes on my behalf! That is powerful.

Our speaker focused on the work of the Holy Spirit when you are suffering or in pain. He shared that during times of suffering there may come a point where God seems absent or we feel furthest away from him and it's at those times he said, that the Holy Spirit is doing his greatest work in you. This took me back to the days of my depression, when I was in that place of separation. I felt so far from God, I couldn't "find" him anymore or even hear his voice. I had no idea at the time, since this was the first time I had experienced any type of depression or suffering on this level, I had no idea this was when the Lord was doing his greatest work in me. The time I finally got better happened after I went into the hospital a 2nd time and then was living with my son at my sister's home for a month. My meds had been changed which I think was a big help and I began working through the things that brought me tons of anxiety until the anxiety started going away. That part (the anxiety going away) I credit to the Lord's hand since it came about so quickly and I was able to return home to Wisconsin and only got better once I was home. So I'm grateful for this sermon and how it reminds me of all the work the Lord did even when I couldn't feel his presence. I praise him for never leaving me like his promise in Deuteronomy 31:6...For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Thank you Lord.

The highlight for me on Monday was during a time I was making (or trying to make) homemade bread. The bread turned out to be a flop since it never did rise (the yeast was probably a year old but I didn't realize until after). The neat thing was while working on the bread Julian wanted to be in the kitchen with me. I continue to introduce things in the kitchen to him like talking about what I'm doing and what I'm making, letting him hold the spoon with me as I stir, so I tried to think of something fun for him. I ended up getting out a big soup pot and putting a little water in it and then I let him hold the spoon as we sprinkled some flour into the pot. I called it "flour soup" and gave him a wire whisk and showed him how to stir. He went from standing over the pot and stirring to getting intensely involved, sitting on the floor with the pot between his legs just stirring and stirring. Apparently he was having too much fun because I starting seeing a little puddle on the floor and caught him sticking his hands down into the pot, then I noticed his clothes both top and pants were soaked! He was wet through to his onesie and yet he loved every minute of it.

On Tuesday we started a new class, Toddler Time at the library. They sing songs, do rhymes and finger play for 20 minutes in a small group. I was a little nervous since Julian tends to wander a bit when we aren't carrying him around so I didn't know what he'd be like but he was great. He did really well sitting on his little carpet square and was very intent on watching everyone. He didn't join in with the clapping or wiggling of his feet, and things but I think that was more because he was entranced watching everyone else. Afterward we had fun hanging out at the library where he was drawing with crayons, going in and out of a little crawl space building and I was picking out books for him. He just loves books. When we're hanging out at home he will pick out and bring book after book and say "sit?", "read?" and he can be read to for hours. What I love most is watching him stand with a book open on the couch and he's "reading" it to himself! I have to get that on video so he can watch himself someday.

Later that night we had our small group meeting (a group of people from our church) yet only 1 person could come so she came to our house and we had a good time of sharing about what God's been doing in our lives, sharing areas that we need prayer and places we were reading in the Bible and what we're learning about.

On Wednesday we went to our play group called "Pal Zone" which meets at a local church. I'm starting to get to know a few of the moms there. It's been intense for me since there is some refereeing I end up doing as the kids interact with one another and some crying or squabbling comes up. That's helping to stretch me in patience and discerning when I need to step in and help. A neat part of the group time is doing a craft after story time and since the story was about a bear they had a bear mask that each of the children were given to color and put on a stick. At times Julian's attention span isn't quite long enough to focus on the craft the entire time but today he was focused. He had such intensity about him as he was coloring that our leader "Birch" was commenting on it. We came home with a nice scribbly brown & red mask. I really see how he's learning and growing from watching him in circle time. Today was the first time he went to the front of the room when they called his name and he picked up his name tag and put it on the board by himself. I was so proud of him. In the past he's gone up there but not really known what to do so I directed him. It's so neat to see him get things on his own.

Another fun thing was our field trip to the pet store. I got him (yet another) fish today. This is after going through TWELVE of them already. I was talked into getting the tropical fish but this time got the 27 cent goldfish and I think he's going to be around a while. He's actually very pretty, gold/orange with a black stripe down is back with a black tail. We named him George. So we have a goldfish and a shrimp (algae eater) as the shrimp was the only thing to survive all those rounds of fish.

Today we had our Titus group which is our mom's group at our church. The pastor's wife was speaking today about safeguarding our marriage. This was really good information which was practical and down to earth ways to take steps of keeping your marriage relationship a priority.

Finally, I again see another theme that the Lord is bringing out through my life. I think I said before I always pay attention when I see or hear the same verse or subject in different ways like it's God's way of speaking to me that something is important. Lately this theme is about prayer. A little story about that is that I've wanted to do something where I'm serving in ministry, sharing my gifts/talents to help others yet it's been hard to think of something to do that won't cost money like having to hire a babysitter to do it. Then I remembered a place I volunteered before and that's Carenet Pregnancy Center. They help women in crisis pregnancies as their main ministry but also help women who have gone through an abortion and are struggling about it afterward. I began to pray if this was where the Lord wanted me to be serving as I remembered they had prayer volunteers who were sent information weekly on how to pray for the various ministries. It was neat to see God's hand in this as I emailed my friend who is the director and she said this has been a burden on her heart for a while, to gather a team to pray for Whole Heart which is there post-abortion ministry. I remember thinking how easy it would be to think praying on a weekly basis isn't really "doing" much for sharing gifts or serving. But deep in my heart I felt the Lord saying and showing me how important the ministry of prayer is. How he is deeply moved by prayer. Then there were two different places that I saw prayer as the focus. One was on a newsletter I am getting, they were actually offering a free CD entitled "Life-Changing Prayer" and another place was a Christian woman speaker's website (Nancy Leigh DeMoss) about the importance of prayer. I see the room for growth I have since my prayer life has dwindled of late and now the last couple days I've had times of rich prayer where I give myself open time just to let the Lord lead and my mind goes to many different people, family, friends, situations and it's been very fulfilling. So again I thank the Lord for his continuing work in my life and what he reveals to me.