Hard to scold when so cute

This morning before breakfast J was going around saying "I'm a digger" or "I'm a garbage truck" pretending he was driving and making truck sounds then "beep, beep" like he was backing up. Then he asked to worship so we put on our worship CD and got breakfast. Several times he was saying "mommy, I want to go on the farm". He wants to go back to the farm from Saturday. He also was saying he wants the garbage man to come again. I forgot to mention yesterday that we watched the garbage truck go through dumping all the garbage bins on our block. It has an automatic arm that comes out and grabs the bin. At first it scared him but he was entranced watching. We did our grocery shopping for the week. I had a lot of extras to get this week so it was taking a lot longer than usual. J was asking to go home. He held up pretty well though.

During my devotional time, I continued in Luke 18 (and reading Beth Moore's book Jesus the One and Only). This is the story of the rich young ruler. This man comes to Jesus to ask what he must do to inherit eternal life. Jesus gave him instruction like do not steal, do not commit adultery, to which he replies that he has kept those commands. Then Jesus tells him to sell everything and give it to the poor. The man is sad because he loves his possessions. About this request Jesus made, Beth shares that Jesus could see into his heart that he was a prisoner and his possessions were number one. Jesus was pointing him to the path of freedom. This man called him good teacher and Jesus corrects him by saying no one is good except God. Beth brings up Romans 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. She shares how any good thing in us (or that comes out of us) is from God. I used to have a hard time with this idea before I found the scriptures that support it. It hurt me to think that I wasn't somehow good. Now I understand it, how nothing in me is inherently good. My sinful nature always pops up. Yet I am lovely in God's eyes and loved by him as his creation. Beth wrote that the pure-hearted pursuit of God's will is a large part of what God honors.

It was a really rainy day today so we played inside after lunch. I gave him some Thomas stickers to play with. He is funny in that he likes taking the stickers and putting them up his arm, then he'll go to the couch and stick them all to the seat. I showed him how to use paper but he likes to do it this way, since he can take them off and on over and over. At dinner, he did really well and looked like he was done because he started playing with his fork. I asked if he was all done and he said "no, cleaning up the pocket". He was taking his fork and trying to get the food that fell into his bib! But...then he started throwing it on the floor and pushing it off his tray. I scolded him and he says "I'm feeding Buca" (our cat). Then he starts going "meow, meow, meow". It was really hard to be upset anymore.

We had our life group tonight which ended up being a small group with just four of us. We missed the service having been in East Troy but we started a study on Ecclesiastes which is what my women's bible study is going through. Our host came up with some really good questions to discuss. One of the things that really stuck with me is focusing on enjoying the moment. This is something I'm aiming for with J instead of seeing this period as "the terrible twos", I'm instead looking at the challenging times as those where I get to grow and J is growing also; growing in gaining independence and yet needing guidance and direction as well as correction.

We're looking forward to the summer of informal get-togethers with our life group where we are thinking about going through a book together relating to marriage. I think that will be really good, to be able to have discussions with other couples that most likely wrestle with a lot of the same issues. Before we left, we were reminiscing about what a great year we've had in the group and how we've all connected really well. We were remembering how I came with L to the first 3 meetings and then was gone for a month and a half spending time with my family towards the end of my depression. It feels like so long ago yet it was not even one year. She shared something really humbling, that she was so touched by our openness with what we were going through and that amidst the crisis we were holding on to our faith and pushing forward. She said it was wonderful to watch us recover. I'm reading a woman's story about post-partum depression right now and it's inspiring me to get going on writing mine. Someone planted the seed for me to get my story down on paper and lately I feel God's moving me to do that. I think it's another step in the healing process and to prepare for how God may want to use this experience.

L has taken some vacation time from work for the next several days so it will be fun to have more family time. I should wrap up now since it's getting too close to midnight.

A good day for errands

Today all day was rainy, cloudy and cool (so the picture I chose is actually from yesterday at the park). Despite the weather, J wanted to go outside and play after daddy left for work. I had other plans to do grocery shopping. J did really well being patient in the cart while I shopped (unlike last week). When we got home, he asked to go outside and play in the rain. I got his boots on and we went outside and he splashed around in the puddles and walked around in the rain.

Today in my reading, Beth skipped to chapter 17 in Luke. In my prayer time beforehand, I was thanking God that I can approach him freely, the one who created the universe. Then it just seemed to hit me how incredible that really is. How I take for granted who I'm meeting with. I realized I often don't have the reverence and awe for God that I should. I prayed about that and just let it sink in. Beth shares that we are moving into chapters now that are more challenging and even confrontational. But she says we can be encouraged in trusting that God never confronts to condemn, but to complete in us what is lacking. The topic of the chapter is being careful to avoid leading someone else into sin. Jesus tells us that when we sin against one another, we are forgive our brother/sister, to dialogue with them, and even to rebuke them. Beth shares that what is appropriate is to speak the truth in love. From 2Timothy 4:2 Correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. Also part of us maturing, she says, is learning how to receive a rebuke.

Since it was still rainy in the afternoon, it was a good time to run some errands like stopping at the pharmacy and going to the bank (we are old fashioned and don't have ATM cards). We spent some time reading books before J's nap. When on his way to take his nap, he let out a little burp and said "excuse me"! He must have picked that up from the book of manner's we've been reading to him. It sunk in. While I was making dinner, J came over to me and grabbed my hand saying "mommy play". It was so cute that I stopped what I was doing to play with him a bit. I have to say at dinner we had troubles with J again. This time is started because he wanted the red spoon instead of the yellow spoon I gave him. Then he got upset because I put on the "scoop" bib (he had messier food) instead of his regular bib. Since we knew what we were in for with his hollering, daddy took him upstairs to chill out in his crib. We're hoping these dinner melt downs will just be a phase and that he'd just be a happy camper again. Later, he had fun playing in the bathtub (mostly with his crayons) until I had to wash him. I was quick though so he didn't protest too long.

We had time with our life group tonight. The main focus was talking about the sermon on "Why Forgive?". Part of the discussion centered around the difficulty in forgiving someone who is unrepentant (having or exhibiting no remorse). We agreed that especially these times we need to seek the Lord for help in having a forgiving heart, and then often we will need to forgive multiple times. Just when you think you've forgiven, something stirs a memory and the anger and pain are back. Those are times you learn to forgive again. L shared that recently God impressed upon him the important of confession. He was thinking of the verse James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. He shared how as a couple we pray together every morning for about 20 minutes or so before he leaves for work and he's introduced confessing something in that prayer time. We agreed this can be a powerful thing and the importance of this within a relationship where you trust can trust one another.

Help my unbelief ... and cherishing "uppy"

J wanted to go outside this morning after daddy left but it had started to rain. We stayed in the garage for a bit since he wanted to hear the thunder as the storm was coming in. It doesn't seem to spook him. Another new toy he's been liking and playing with a lot is his Elmo shape sorter. He likes to name the color of the block as he tries to find the matching shape slot.

Today in Beth Moore's book Jesus the One and Only, the reading was in Luke 9. Jesus came down from the mountain and again a crowd met him. A man pleaded with Jesus to heal his son of a demon. He shared that he had asked the disciples for help and they could not do it. The man said "but if you can do anything, take pity on us...to which Jesus said (Mark 9:23) Everything is possible for him who believes. The father had an interesting response, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! So here you see he has a desire to believe, yet confesses his lack of faith while crying out for help to overcome his unbelief. This is an area I can relate to. Many times I pray for things and maybe struggle to believe God will bring the change. But we have a big God! An all-powerful God! I need to check areas of my own unbelief and ask for greater faith. Jesus healed the boy and they were all amazed at the greatness of God. One other point she mentions that I agree with is how prayer is a critical element of faith.

After J's nap, I put on a worship CD for kids that I found for J. I heard about it on one of the other blogs that I follow. It's called Cedarmont Worship for Kids Vol. 1. The funny thing is as we listened to it, it really ministered to ME (even though it's kids singing). Each of the songs are ones I'm familiar with and hadn't heard for a while and I really enjoyed it.

J wanted me to hold him a lot today. I love this. Who knows how long it will be before he won't ask for that or want that. He says "uppy" when he wants me to pick him up. Then he helped me cook his quesedilla (he liked pushing it around the pan).
Here's a picture of him napping.

I've started selling a few things on EBay (like a camera that broke when I dropped it) so J and I went to the post office to ship out one of the items. I asked him what park he wanted to go to and he went back and forth but we decided on Elver Park which was nearby. We ended up playing there for an hour! We did a little of everything and I liked how he was "driving" with the steering wheel on the jungle gym and he would say "mommy sit in the car". I'd sit down behind him and he'd pretend we were driving somewhere. I asked him where we were going and he said to the grocery store. Cute!

I got my camera today! Long story short, I was supposed to be getting one from my credit card miles but they no longer sell the item so I just went to EBay and got the same camera that I had before which broke. I can't say how nice it is to have one again. I really miss taking pictures of J every day. I'll have to get back into that. My babysitter called at the last minute to cancel tonight saying she didn't feel well. Thankfully, our second babysitter (my husband's friend) was able to come. J actually cried when it was time to go to bed. He wanted Dave to read him books and was so sad when I took him upstairs. I can't remember the last time he cried about going to bed. We are so blessed that he is so easygoing about sleep.

We met with our life group to talk about Sunday's sermon on forgiving others. We each were able to share about people we haven't forgiven. Especially those we have pushed back in our minds that we just went on with life but when we think of them we know the pain and emotions are still there and there's more work to do. We agreed that our speaker mentioning to see this person's humanity is a helpful way to start the process.

A Hint of Summer

Yesterday was a really fun day. It started out with a bunch of moms from our Titus group getting together for a play date at McKee Farm Park, one of J's favorites in Madison. It was already no jacket weather at 10:30am and was beautifully sunny. It felt like a hint of summer. The kids had a great time especially on the slide. My friend Eileen would send her son down and I'd catch him, then she'd send J down so I could catch him and they loved it. They also loved walking along a ledge with us holding their hands. Eileen got some good pictures too. Speaking of pictures, it turns out that I won't be fixing my camera. It would actually cost more to fix it than the camera's worth because parts are so expensive. So I went to plan B and used my credit card miles to buy a new one. I can't wait to start taking pictures again as I love recording our days that way. After the park, Eileen and I headed down the street to Noodles for lunch with the boys. I put J in a booster seat for the first time and he did well.

When we got home, I thought J would be tired and want a nap but he kept saying outside so we threw the balls back and forth. Our neighbor came over to visit and to see my garden. He and I always talk about our gardens and what's growing. J and I went to Elver Park to get more mulch. I let him get out and he wanted to help so he held onto the shovel as I guided the mulch into the bucket. He loved it. We got to watch a fire truck that was practicing driving through cones. Then we played in the park for a while. We got a lot of fresh air. J was a good sport as I took him to the second hand shop to look for a few summer outfits. When I'd hold up a shirt to look at it he'd say, "put that one here mommy" and point into the cart. Such a cutie. Before his nap, I read him a counting book. He's learning to count to ten. He'd say 1-2-3-4-6-7-10 on just about every page.

We met with our life group for a night of sharing. The topics were: Talk about your best friend, your happiest moment over the last few months, confession on what would you like to do over from last week, your vision for life group. This ended up being a great opportunity to get to know one another better. My happiest moment was when J and I went to the grocery store and were "dancing" in our seats in the parking lot. Also a time I was holding him right before bed and just rocked him and held him close savoring the moment.

This morning Eileen and her son joined J and I at Pal Zone. J was not into the story time part. He was more interested in another boy's toy and got very physical trying to grab it and I had to step in. He got loud and upset so we went back to the play room where he calmed down. After lunch and an errand, we spent some time hanging out at the library. I'm able to browse or go check out books at the counter now while J plays in the kids area. I used to need to carry him with me so he wouldn't run around but he's getting really good about staying in one place. J had another interesting dinner. Two packs of apple sauce and some goldfish were all I could get him to eat. When I was walking into the nursery at the Y, I heard a little voice saying "fire fighters" and I knew it was J. Sure enough he had on a fire helmet along with the boy next to him and they were playing fire fighter. He was really wound up, I wasn't sure if he'd go to sleep but he did.

Catching up on the last several days

I'm so used to the rhythm of daily blogging that it's hard to know where to start. I've been away for a few days enjoying some time with family. We had a nice weekend away down in Illinois visiting my family for Easter. We stayed with my oldest sister and her husband on Saturday. We arrived just in time for some appetizers and snacks before we had an early dinner. We just ordered pizza. My youngest sister came with her husband and kids so the kids really had fun playing together. After dinner, we all took a walk over to the nature preserve by their house. The main part was closed, but you could still walk the paths. While we were walking by a pond, we heard a loud splashing noise and saw something jump out of the water. After the third time this happened, we were able to see it was a beaver! He would come out of the water and then slap it with his tail. We noticed an area that must have been his den piled up with mud, sticks and branches. Julian kept saying "beaver, beaver" he was so excited. On our way back, we stopped by the sandhill cranes and they were making some loud bird calls while we hung out watching them for a while. Julian loved trying to imitate them. He ended up staying up again later than usual since he was not tired and so he could play some more.

Sunday turned out to be a beautiful day. We spent most of the morning on the patio watching the birds coming to the feeder. One of the prettiest ones was a red bellied woodpecker. There were also goldfinches, house finches, cowbirds, blue jays, chickadees, nuthatches and juncos. More variety than we get at home. We love to bird watch. Later in the afternoon, we went to my youngest sister's house and enjoyed a wonderful Easter dinner. This time my other sister's kids were there so Julian got to play with all 4 of his cousins. The ride back was quite an adventure. There was a huge storm with lots of lightning, thunder and even hail. At times it was hard to see the road. Now I really know what white knuckle driving is like.

Monday and Tuesday I woke up really tired. Now it's Wednesday and this tired, draggy feeling has stayed with me. Especially in the morning. Both Monday and Tuesday were days we didn't have any play group activities planned. Our sitter Dave came over so I could go meet with our tax lady. She does a great job and gets our taxes done in under an hour. Julian continues to enjoy playing with the set of cars that I got him. He likes lining them up and then "driving" them around making car noises. We continue to get new books from the library to read and his favorite ones right now are related to the ABC's. It's so fun hearing him sing through the "Julian alphabet" (ABC...H..MOP..QS..WY and Z...now I know...). He's started to learn his numbers too. We were reading an animal tracks book and he'd point to the paw prints and count like 1-2-3-6-8-10. He's also repeating so much of what you say, you really have to be careful about what you say, especially for me when I get angry. Lately, he's been playing more with our cat Buca. Not in the trying to grab his tail way that he used to, but actually talking to him and trying to include him in his games. He'll say "come here Buca" trying to get his attention and Buca tolerates him a bit more now.

Tuesday night we got together with our Life Group and the women met while the men went and met separately. We do this once every couple months and each time it is really good. We're able to open up in a deeper way with one another and this time our focus was on what you worry about. Each of us was able to share things, some of which were heavy, that we're going through. Worries we have as spouses, as workers, as mothers. One of my main worries right now is being mindful and intentional about what I'm modeling for Julian and what my day to day life with him is teaching him. That for me is huge.

Again, today I've been a bit draggy so nothing too exciting to share other than getting a cavity filled at the dentist. I did enjoy my study of Martha and Mary today. It's the last study in this Women of the Bible workbook and then we start reading a book based on Ecclesiastes. Even though I've heard the story of Martha and Mary several times, I am always refreshed by it and take something away from it. When Jesus comes to their home for a meal, Martha puts so much effort into every detail to the point where she gets frustrated with all the work. I was thinking about how she robs herself of intimacy and fellowship with Jesus. Intimacy that Mary, her sister, is enjoying. It makes me stop and think about when I might do that. Be so focused on doing what I think is "good" and get so busy that it crowds out my time with the Lord. Another impactful part of this study was when Jesus was so moved with the grief of Martha, Mary and the Jews (and his own grief) over Lazarus that he too wept. John 11:33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. I took this to heart thinking of how moved Jesus must be by my own times of pain and suffering, coming alongside me in my struggles and times of sorrow. That is really comforting to me. How deep is the desire in me to be loved and cared about, and just this thought about Jesus caring that much for me hits me deeply right now. Finally, when Mary anoints Jesus' head with the jar of pure nard and wipes his feet with her hair, this is such a personal show of love and worship. It is so valued by Jesus that he promises right there that this act will be shared for eternity wherever the gospel is preached. Again, I was encouraged by this and inspired to love the Lord with this kind of adoring love.

It's been pretty rainy this week so we've not gotten the chance to enjoy time at the park or playing outside. It's nice watching everything turning green though. My husband and I are on week two of our new eating program. So far I haven't lost anything, but I'm working on eating less and having my stomach shrink so I have less cravings. We're not eating snacks and no food after 7pm. Tonight, we went to the Y and worked out. It was a good workout night with a mix of jogging and walking. My goal is three times a week. Julian did really well in the nursery. They had a couple pictures for me that he colored. The Y-worker teaches preschool and commented on how well Julian is doing with his words, small sentences and colors and said that he's at the 2-1/2 year level. I think the Lord nudged me with a reminder that I have to be careful not to get into the comparing Julian to others habit. That it's not about him being ahead of (or better than) others that is important. I could too easily fall into that I'll admit. Instead I need to focus on being a reflection of what it looks like to have a growing, intimate relationship with the Lord knowing that he learns the most from my actions, not what I say and that if I have that as my focus the rest really falls in line. That's definitely a work in progress! With that, I think I'll sign off. I need to get better sleep so I have more energy for the day so I'm heading off to bed.