The Last Shall Be First....

I'm not really sure where to start today with this new blogging format (not blogging in a "daily journal" format but more of a summary of highlights and not every day). What's most on my mind is being really out of sync because J's "schedule" the last couple days has been really off. I can see how having a basic schedule is so helpful for both of us, and how hard it can be when it's off. So over the weekend J got up earlier than normal. It was 6:30am Friday and 4:30am Saturday when usually he's getting up between 7:30/8:30am. He did go back to sleep a bit on Saturday but his afternoon naps have been late and he's been really ornery and difficult from dinner time on. He was crying at the drop of a hat and even fighting going to sleep which is rare. I went through four cycles of putting him to bed, crying nonstop, soothing and putting back to bed, sleeping finally after 10pm. We've been so blessed that he doesn't usually fight sleep, so I can't complain. Somehow I just think his little internal clock was off a bit. Meal time has been a bit harder too with J getting less sleep than normal. Today, things seem to be pretty much back to normal with no major breakdowns or sleep issues. Yay!

As far as the past several days, his time at Pal Zone stood out. That's a play group that we go to on Wednesdays with open play, circle/story time, songs and a craft. I'm glad I decided to change my schedule around so we can keep going. I realized how much I've seen him grow through this with open play time with a lot of different kids and structured activities to follow. We also get together with two other moms and their little girls usually every Monday. This also has been great for them learning how to share and play together. The moms get some good adult time. We also do some craft projects too.

I was excited to start up again in our mom's Titus group at church. I've been asked to be a greeter and open doors for moms as they come in. I enjoyed doing this and was blessed later by the mentor mom who was our keynote speaker. Barb shared a great story about moving out of our comfort zones and learning more about being stretched in trusting the Lord for how things will turn out.

My husband's good friend lost his mom this week. She was a wonderful southern gal and passionate Christian who lived to the age of 92. We made the decision to take J to her funeral, which was the first one he's been to. He kept asking what we were doing and where we were and it was a bit hard for him to understand. He met Wilda before and so I explained we were there to celebrate Wilda's life who had left here to go to heaven to be with Jesus. The only time we've talked about death was after our cat Rio died, so I was able to remind him of that and I think he started to get it when he said, "now there's 2 of them in heaven". He was very curious about the cemetery and was looking at the grave stones like ones with photos and picture engravings. He wasn't disruptive at all which was such a blessing. Although, we did sit far away from the main area during the service at the funeral home since J is still learning to use an "inside" voice.


We have had a few days of wonderful weather this week, and Friday night was just beautiful. We didn't even need jackets and we spent most of the evening downtown. The three of us had dinner then walked along State Street and to our student union. Today (Monday) started out a little cold and drizzly but then ended up being beautiful with the sun coming out and reaching over 70 degrees. Just perfect.

Devotional Time
My time with the Lord, although it hasn't been every day, has been good. I'm really seeing a theme coming up over and over again and I sense the Lord speaking loudly! I'm trying to have the ears to listen. Matthew 19:30 But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

First, what's interesting to me is that I don't remember my mom quoting a lot from the bible yet this verse is one I remember her saying so often. Yet even then I never understood it. Part of how I think God is instructing me is like my heart is being tested to see what's there when literally I am "last" in something, or inconvenienced/not "first" or getting my way. I relate getting my way in things to being "first". There were three times in one day that it hit me I was "last" in something that I wanted to be "first" in and how uptight and even angry I got about it. Yet I caught myself when I found this verse coming in to my head and I'm asking the Lord to keep teaching me. I just love when I sense the Lord's hand like this, yet it is a bit overwhelming right now to see how often this comes up for me. This is another verse that has come to mind that I am studying as I seek to gain wisdom. Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Lastly, somehow our camera has gone missing. I last used it Thursday night and I found out on Sunday that I cannot find it anywhere! It is such an integral part of how I'm documenting our life and a huge part of the blog. I really hope it shows up. This is the actually the second time I'll be without a camera so I'll have to figure something out soon. In the meantime, at least at home I'll be able to use my husband's camera but it's an expensive one so I won't be toting it anywhere.

Photo credit: Journeying Down Life's Never-ending Road

To Everything (turn, turn turn)

We started the morning with reading a book and J seemed in a fine mood, but then a couple things didn't go his way and he was easily upset with long bouts of crying and pouting. Nothing I did calmed him so I let him calm down on his own. I decided it was better to keep his morning nap rather than push it to get to the Y so J won't be this edgy the rest of the day. Daddy left early to spend most of the day downtown as he'll be meeting with a couple brothers in Christ and also getting a little alone time.

In my devotional time, I continued in Luke 7. Here, John the Baptist (who was in prison) sent two men to question if Jesus was the one to come or someone else. Jesus told them to report the miracles they'd witnessed and that the blind receive sight, the lame walk, the deaf hear...Beth says that John was probably wondering how he is going to "prepare the way" from prison. John was likely fighting some doubts about his calling and even who Jesus was. We too need to work out our doubts with the Lord instead of letting them fester underneath.

I also read more in Ecclesiastes starting chapter 3 in which we read the famous lines like, there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. There is an appropriate time for all of life's experiences; a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to mourn and a time to dance.... We don't get to escape sorrow, mourning or even death as these are a part of our living experience. But there is a hope in it too. I'm thinking of the verse from John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. Those words bring me comfort having lived through a period so dark I didn't know if I'd come out and be "me", be Tracey again. I thought I was lost, damned...for real I thought that. Even when I could no longer "hear" God's voice, he had never let me go and I came out of it and I am Tracey again. Yet a forever changed Tracey.

There's something from yesterday I forgot to share that has to do with this. I'm wrestling with some of the author's comments on chapter two of Ecclesiastes. He says, "All in life comes from God's hand so pain, sorrow, bereavement, disappointment as well as gladness, happiness and joy; all these things are gifts from God. When we see life in those terms, every element of life can have its measure of joy - even sorrow, pain and grief. These things were also given to us to enjoy." I can't see enjoying sorrow, bereavement, etc. After talking about it with L, I think I understand it better. He was saying when someone reaches a point that they can actually give over their sorrow, pain, etc. to the Lord as an act of worship, there is joy in that. Yet he says he doesn't picture many reaching that point in their faith. That makes sense to me, and I know I'm not there.

After lunch, J and I took a trip to Home Depot to buy some things for the garden. We're in a condo so we have just a tiny space but this year I'll fit 3 cherry tomato plants, 3 regular tomato plants, 2 green pepper plants and 2 banana pepper plants. This will be enough to have it fresh with salads, for spaghetti, etc. but not enough for canning or freezing which is fine. I also bought and planted some flowers and a few hostas. I thought of my blog friend Tea praying over her garden and remembered to pray for God to breathe life on the plants so they would flourish. I rewarded J for being so patient at the store with a trip to McKee Farms, the park he loves. He made a new friend, an older girl named Virginia who was 5. He's already a charmer. He was trying to tickle her and would run up to her and run away giggling. She pushed him on the swing and then she had to go so she gave him a little hug. It was so cute.

On the menu for tonight's dinner was tacos, but I realized at the last minute that I had no ground beef. I thought it would be nice to not have to cook so we went to one of our favorite spots, Culver's. There was a little boy maybe 6 who came up to J and started talking to him while J was eating ice cream. He said what a cute little boy J was. I made the mistake of letting J hold the ice cream cone. Then he wouldn't give it back (we were sharing) and a few times almost lost it. He got really upset when I needed to take it back so I got a spoon to feed him and that solved the problem. We played outside for a while after we got home, but J wanted daddy too so he went inside looking for him and daddy came out. Eventually, it was time for bed so daddy read him his book and did the tucking in tonight.

Today I met two moms who were commenting on loving the stage J is in and they were wistful about it since their kids were now 5 and older. This is another way I think the Lord is telling me to savor my moments with J since they go so fast.

Here's the address for the song Turn, Turn, Turn (sorry I couldn't get the link to work)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPx71FLR4Wg&feature=related

A full and wonderful day

Today was just such a great day. Julian and I were gone from the house from about 10am until 4pm just stopping in briefly a couple of times. Often that would mean I'd be really tired or a bit burnt out but God just blessed me today with lots of energy and enjoyment from all the activity. I'm sure it helped that it was a beautifully sunny, 60 degree day. We started out in the morning going to Toddler Time at the library. She read about 4 books, we sang some songs and then the kids got to do a craft (making a lamb with cotton balls and construction paper). Then I wanted to get in my 3rd workout of the week so we went to the Y and Julian enjoyed playing in the nursery while I did a great 30 minute workout alternating running and walking. We hadn't eaten out in a couple weeks so I thought I'd treat myself by going to Panchero's to lunch just mother and son. He's usually pretty good at the restaurant and he was today. I have to remember not to bring applesauce though since it was really messy. We shared a chicken quesadilla and he also had good old PB&J. Then we did some shopping at Target the highlight of which was getting a new blender (the old one died months ago) so we can make smoothies and then a plastic pail and shovel for Julian to play with in the yard. We still had plenty of time so we stopped at the park and the two of us played for an hour. Most of that time we had the park to ourselves so we were playing chase games on the jungle gym that kept us laughing. Finally, we stopped at the video store where kids videos are free and got a couple for the weekend. Whew. I'm glad that all my days aren't that full!

In my reading, the focus was on Psalm 30 and 1Chronicles 29. I like this psalm. Psalm 30:2 (O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.) is one of my life verses for God rescuing me from the depths of a long, dark depression (see post Feb. 20th for more about that). What resonates with me is the verse "he turns my wailing into dancing". To me this speaks of what happened in my life. In 1Chron. verse 9 really stood out to me. It said the people of Israel "had given freely and wholeheartedly to the Lord". That's something I want to do in my life. To give of myself in that way, my time, my possessions. It's a tall order! I have to fight my nature to horde and honestly just at times being selfish. In this chapter, we come to David's death. In the last time he addresses the people, he leads them in praise to the Lord, once again showing his heart. The people rejoiced and David led them in praise for having the means to build the temple. He had an active praise life, which leads me to examine my own. I used to have a praise/worship time during my devotional time but that seems to have phased out. I started today with getting back into that. My heart is just lighter.

On to the difficult part of the day. Julian had a good nap, but after waking up he acted like he hadn't. It started with me asking him to give me a kiss and instead he hit me! Lightly, but still. I asked him to say he was sorry and told him it hurt mommy and he refused to say sorry. This set off a major melt down which then spun into being upset at dinner, getting upset after dinner and finally I started our night routine and he calmed down and we read a book and sang a couple songs. Now I think it's time for me to wind down and do some reading in bed before sleep.

Meal-time melt downs

This morning Julian was wanting food faster than I could get it made which set off another bout of crying. At this stage, he really has an incredibly hard time waiting for anything. Maybe it's just being a toddler. When I finally did get his pancake, he ate a few bites but kept wanting the bigger pancake on the plate. When that didn't come and he was told to eat what was on his plate, he really melted down. Instead of just having him sit in his chair crying, I carried him upstairs to his room and set him in his crib to settle down. I didn't hear a peep once I did that and waited about 10 minutes or so and then he was fine. We stayed upstairs a while as he had several books he wanted to read. We went back to his pancake and he ate just fine then.

Today I was in 2Samuel 18. The conflict with Absalom continues. David sent out his troops in hundreds and thousands ordering them before they left to be gentle with Absalom. Beth reflects that this must have deflated his men who were risking their lives to defend David only to be told to lay off Absalom who was responsible for them fighting in the first place. Joab ended up with an opportunity to kill Absalom when a soldier found him with his head caught in a tree. The solider refused to touch him because of David's orders, but Joab and his armor bearers killed him. When David learned of this he went into mourning.

I'm continuing to finish my study of Esther. As the Jews found out about Haman's decree to have them all destroyed, there was great mourning with fasting and weeping as many sought God's divine intervention. Esther was wrestling with whether to risk her life and approach the king on the Jew's behalf when Mordecai reminds her that she too is a Jew and would be killed. He also says perhaps she rose to the position of queen for just this reason. She then asks Mordecai to gather the Jews in fasting for 3 days and then she will approach the king whether or not she will be killed. Here I notice how Esther has a major situation come up. Instead of just going along with what someone else wants, she wrestles with it herself first. She seeks council and then decides to trust the Lord. It is a good example for us of what to do when we are faced with a struggle.

We had another difficult meal time with Julian. He started out okay but somehow ended up crying again. This time I can't even remember what set it off. But again it was nonstop so I took him upstairs and let him settle in his crib. This seems to be working. He didn't end up eating anything else afterward, but his mood had completely changed. We got a late start but still made it for some time at the library. He had a shorter nap as I needed to get him fed before we left for our friends house. They offered to watch him while we get some time alone. This is the first time my husband and I have gone out to dinner in months. We ended up going to a Thai place and then hung out after to share with each other what's been going on in our inner spiritual life. We ended up staying at our friends' house for a couple hours celebrating our friend getting tenure. They had a nice fire in the fireplace which Julian had not seen before. It was nice to have some social time after the week I had where I had so little social contact with everything that happened. Now I have some time to do a bit of reading before I go to bed which will be a nice way to wind down.