Why Forgive?

J started out the day fine but then started crying while waiting for breakfast. Kept wanting me to pick him up. Maybe he was just super hungry because he was okay once he had his pancakes. He wanted to play downstairs in our art area. Did some coloring with crayons and then washable markers. He took his picture and said "hang it up" so I put it on the wall like we do with his finger paintings. I have to watch him carefully now when he's coloring since he's started to try coloring other things like the table, the wall. I also set up the mini trampoline and he had fun jumping, but then he started coloring on there too until I caught him.

Today in my devotional time, Beth moves past chapter 14 and started Luke 15. "Lost and found things." It's amazing, Beth says, that the creator of the universe pursues us. She refers to Luke 19:10 For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost. In this chapter is the story of the prodigal son. He left his father with his fortune and squandered everything then became destitute and took care of pigs. He went home thinking he could be a servant to his father and it would be better than his lot. When his father saw him coming, instead of turning his back on him, he RAN to him. This is a mirror for our relationship to God. He yearns for us to return when we stray from him and he welcomes us back with open arms. How can we resist such lavish love? says Beth. Because of our wonderful God, the prodigal can say "I once was lost, but now am found."

The forecast called for more rain but it ended up being really nice out so we packed a lunch and headed down to the UW Terrace again. There was some bike marathon going on so traffic was just horrible. We probably wasted a half hour. Then we maybe spent a half hour there on the terrace. We had our lunch and then J and I went on the giant terrace chair. Soon after, the weather started to change drastically. It got super dark so we decided to head out. It started raining soon after we got in the car. J didn't go down very well for his afternoon nap. This was after he got a shorter nap in the morning because he cried off and on. I went in to check on him and he dropped his blankie and nuk so I got those, then he was asking to watch a video. I asked if he could lay back to sleep and he said okay and lay down. I was surprised he did that! He did start to cry a bit and kept going but then finally dropped off.

Today was the last sermon in our Forgiveness series. It was on "Why Forgive?" Since people hurt us all the time, what should be our response? As those who profess to follow Christ, we need to forgive. A couple stories were shared about incredible instances of forgiveness, where it was amazing they were able to forgive the person who hurt them. He brought in Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. These are often feelings that we harbor within us when we are unable to forgive. He said forgiveness is really messy because of the hurt in our lives and others. To have forgiveness as a way of life he said we first do not ignore that it happened. Whenever there is a serious infarction against us, there is a debt owed. We can remember how Jesus paid our debt on the cross and we are to then let it go. It is hardest to do this when the person is unrepentant, yet that is what we are called to do. Our burden (of unforgiveness) that eats away at us is lifted. We were invited to come to the front of the church and take a handful of dirt and drop it in a pail which was symbolic of letting go of unforgiveness. I think this was a good way to visualize really letting go.

After church, we went out to dinner with our life group friends and their kids. After J ate, he played a run and hide game with us as the adults got to hang out and catch up. J would come and peek around the corner and I'd jump in my seat and he'd run away squealing, or he'd peek up at us from another booth and squeal with delight when we responded.

Enjoying the long weekend

This ended up being a good morning for sleeping in. J was completely quiet so I got an extra hour or so of rest. J played with his trains most of the morning. He asked for pancakes which was right on since I planned on making them. But when they were ready, he wouldn't come to eat them. He just whined and kept playing with his trains. It took several times of asking and finally he came over to eat. Then he went back to play with his trains, hooking them all up together and pulling them across the couch.

I read Luke 10 today during my devotional time. We come to another popular story, the story of Mary and Martha. Jesus and his disciples came to a village where Martha opened her home to him. While they were there, Martha's sister Mary sat at Jesus' feet listening to what he said. Martha was distracted by all her preparations and she got upset. She asked if Jesus even cared about this and even ordered him to tell Mary to help. Jesus corrected her gently saying although Martha was worried about many things, only ONE thing is needed and Mary has chosen it. Beth shares about some of her friends and how they are so different from one another but that is what she has grown to love. She says we need to fight isolation and independence. This was something I needed to fight when J was getting near 1 year old. I was so isolated from people, from friends, from family and was in such a dark place. I see so much value now in the importance of cultivating these relationships. Beth points out that Martha opened her home which is one way of serving, but Mary opened her heart. A key in our lives is cultivating an awareness of his presence.

Daddy got invited to go golfing in the afternoon. A friend won a round for four at a really nice course and this will be the first time he's gone since J was born. He was gone when J got up from his nap. He was looking around for him and was bummed when he learned daddy was gone. I wasn't sure what to do with our afternoon so I asked J. He first said Splash Park, then McKee Farms, then back to Splash Park and then stayed with that. So I got our suits on and we headed into the 85+ heat. The park was a lot more crowded than earlier in the week, but there was still room to move around. J was a lot less enthused with the water today. He followed me in and then at times wanted me to hold him but would say the water scared him or the water was cold. Right when I was toweling off, he started catching the excitement of the other kids and ran around a little bit. The two of us grabbed a bite to eat at McD's and hung out there before church. He's in a teaching room now instead of just a nursery and it turns out they will have teaching over the summer too. This month they continue to teach "God is with us."

Our sermon series on forgiveness continued, this week's focus being forgiving ourselves. One of the highlights was that he shared about how forgiveness can lead to shame. That there is healthy shame, and unhealthy shame. Healthy shame is I am ashamed about what I did. Unhealthy shame is I am ashamed of who I am. The healthy shame is actually good, he says, because it tells us our moral compass is still working. That it is good when there is actually a battle inside of us where we want to resist doing wrong. He reminded us that this is heavy stuff, that our unforgiveness can go very deep and the process can be very hard, but to continue to bring it to the Lord. L wasn't able to make it on time to meet us at church so we met up back at home. We played outside for a while. I just love watching J run around outside. He is so happy and excited. Then daddy needed to grab a bite to eat so we tagged along while he ate at Culver's. Tomorrow, we're thinking of staying around town and trying to avoid major crowds. Maybe a picnic lunch at our university's terrace on the lakefront and then some walking around downtown.

Learning more about forgiveness

Our friends are leaving soon to go to Malawi, Africa, as missionaries and they threw a going away/birthday party today at a kid's indoor gym place. Most of it was for older kids, but there were a few things J could do like tossing balls, playing in a kids car, walking on the big gym mats. I held him on one of the tall mats so he could jump and he couldn't stop laughing.

Later, we hung out at home playing outside and it was pretty warm. It was pushing 90 today. The neighbor gal came over with some bubbles that J liked chasing after. She also offered to babysit if we ever need it. I opened up his new bubble mower to try it out but it wasn't working so the neighbors helped get it going. He wanted to take it all over like going partway around the block. He got sidetracked by some boys playing in their sprinkler and wouldn't come so I had to carry him and the mower home. J had fun playing with a lot of his new toys today.

We are continuing the forgiveness series in our church and today the focus was on forgiving others. He used a visual of dirt and how out of the dirt (of our lives) can come something beautiful like flowers. He went over what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn't. (Like forgiveness isn't that you are saying what happened was okay.) One of the things that stood out was that forgiveness isn't reconciliation. That they are separate things. To forgive someone, you don't need the other person to admit their wrong, it is just getting your heart right. But in reconciliation, the other person (or you both) admits their wrong, and it starts a process of restoring the relationship. L and I stayed after to pray with people yet no one came to our areas. So we just prayed on our own until we decided it was time to go. On our way out, we had great timing as we ran into my friend Eileen. She invited us out to dinner and we had a really nice time. Our husbands finally got to meet and talk and the kids did well too. J ate really well which was surprising. He's often finicky and yet today he had no problems sharing my chicken burrito and peas and rice. He really liked the Spanish rice. The only bad thing was when J was dancing in the bathroom and fell and bit his lip and it bled. I so hate when he gets hurt! It always hurts me too. I was glad it stopped quick and he calmed down.

Looks like this week is going to be warm and in the 80's every day. I think I'll get out J's new pool. Auntie Amy got him a pool with a little elephant slide that'll be fun to try out.

The Parable of the Seed

This morning J and I slept in a bit. He got to bed a little late last night and wasn't up at the usual time so I took advantage of some extra rest. After breakfast, he was playing with his bristle blocks which is rare. He was pretty creative telling me he was making a see saw as he stacked the blocks on top of one another, and then he was making a sandcastle. Both were ideas he came up with on his own out of the blue.

In my time alone this morning, I started Luke 8. Jesus was traveling from one town and village to another. His disciples were with him but also some women like Mary Magdelene and Susanna. Someone told him that his mother and brothers were waiting outside. (Verse 21) He replied, "My mother and brothers are those who hear God's word and put it into practice." Beth (in my book Jesus, the One and Only) shares that our kinship with Jesus is based directly on what we do with God's word. That hits pretty deep. Later in the passage, Jesus tells the parable of the sower. I love this illustration. Seeds that fell along the path are like those who hear God's word with joy but then it gets snatched away. Seed that falls on the rock is like those who hear the word but have no roots. They believe it for a while, but when tested the roots don't hold and they fall away. The seed that fell among the thorns is like those that hear but the word is choked out as they go and are distracted by worries, riches and pleasures of the world. Finally, seed on good soil is like one who hears the word and retains it; they hear God's word and they put it into action. This reminds me of the verse in James (1:22) - Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Those are powerful and hard hitting words. It's really good to think about. I know there are many times I can read God's word but then fail to do it. What a call to pay attention and put those things into practice.

We had quesedillas for lunch. Now this is something J really loves. I have no problem getting him to eat these. He ate a whole tortilla and asked for more so I gave him some of mine. He even ate some banana with peanut butter too. He was hungry. We visited L's friend Susan who just moved into a new house. J found a little ukulele he played with until he saw the back yard with several balls lying around. We spent the rest of our time in the yard and he went on a trampoline for the first time. It was so great watching him get used to trying to walk around. He held my hands and we jumped and he was laughing so hard. Then they threw some of the balls in to play with and J and I had a great time. On our way home, we had a coupon so we stopped for some ice cream. Yum! Yum!

We went to the late service tonight since we were asked to be available after the service for people who want prayer. We started a sermon series on forgiveness. Tonight's message looked at our human way of getting even. Like when someone hurts us, we are triggered and want to hurt them back. He speaks about David (which took me back to my old study!) where David is ready to strike back at the wealthy but mean and stingy Nabal who slighted David after he and his men protected Nabal's men and sheep. It was Abigail (Nabal's wife) and her words of wisdom to David that softened his heart and he did not strike at Nabal and his men. His soft heart is key here. I know I have to ask the Lord to give me a soft heart towards others, especially those who hurt me, so I don't end up falling into the trap of returning evil for evil. It is so tempting to do that sometimes.

I let J stay up a bit later tonight to see his uncle from Chicago who stopped in. He has a business trip in the Madison area. I'm getting a purple turtle sandbox from one of my sisters and he brought it here for us. That's J's birthday present. He is turning 2 on Saturday! I have a lot of preparation yet to do for that day so it will be a large part of the upcoming week.

The Blessing of Forgiveness

The day started off with J being in a fussy mood. This carried into his swimming lesson where he just never really let go and had fun. He was stiff and cranky and just didn't enjoy it. Our instructor works well with him though and gives J space when he needs it. He said it's only lesson 3 so I need to give him time and patience with getting used to something so different. So I really need to let go of my expectations and ask God for patience.

I finished Luke 7 today and it was a story that I find very powerful, the woman who anoints Jesus' feet. Luke 7:37-38 When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. The Pharisee seemed put off that Jesus would allow her to touch his feet. This was such an intimate expression of love. Jesus shares a parable that teaches those who have been forgiven much, love much yet those who have been forgiven little, love little. He then in a matter of fact way lists the ways this woman has shown her love for him from the moment she came in and how the Pharisee didn't. Jesus says to her that her sins are forgiven, that her faith has saved her and to go in peace. I know that peace he's talking about. A peace that comes when you can allow your darkest deeds to be forgiven and you let Jesus make you clean. I am so thankful for his mercy in that way.

We hung out at the library for a bit today and returned a bunch and got a bunch of books. I found some good ones for J; a couple dinosaur books, fire bears book, counting book with tractors, dump trucks, etc., a Veggie Tales book and an Elmo alphabet book. He loved knocking over the giant stacking blocks and he loves hanging out there. It was hard to get him to leave though.

Our friends from our life group have been so good to us with watching J when L & I want to go out together. They took him again tonight. L's coworker was having a party and invited us but to be honest I really didn't want to go. I'd know absolutely no one and would rather stay back with our life group friends and J. I didn't want to let L down so I went and we met two couples we hung out with most of the time. That was good. Afterward, J was having so much fun playing with their kids when we came back that he didn't want to leave. We had a really long goodbye. After getting him to bed, I realize I am just exhausted while I am writing this so I think I'll wrap it up.

In the Potter's hands...

I continue to be touched by what the Lord has been showing me over the last couple weeks. I sense that I'm in a growth period, like if I were a garden this is a period where the ground is being tilled and prepared so that new seeds being planted can grow healthy and strong. As God has impressed upon me just how much I've been forgiven for (as I mentioned in a past post), that's stayed in my mind and I've had things come up that I'd forgotten that the Lord has forgiven me for. What stands out about that is often those memories trigger shame and guilt, but now God's using those memories as a way of growing my thankfulness, and I'm noticing more freedom from the shame and guilt as I embrace real forgiveness. There are some things of my past that have been especially hard to feel forgiven about. So this is a huge area to see God helping me to grow in.

There's something else that has come up a few times now and that's verses that refer to the potter and the clay (Jeremiah 18:4 , Isaiah 64:8). Whenever I see or hear the same verse from a few different places I always take note that God is speaking something to me. It has me search my heart. When I first saw the verse and some commentary on it I liked how it talked about pressure being placed on the clay to mold it into place. How times in our life where we feel very uncomfortable or feel pressure are times to picture him molding us and shaping us which is causing us growing pains. When I saw this verse again the person had shared a prayer that the Lord would give us grace to bend and mercy when it hurts. Seeing this prayer and taking some time to really think about it brought the question am I really open to God molding me? I thought about some areas I'm struggling in right now and can see where I'm resisting being molded by him and instead wanting to keep my "old shape" instead. I pray for the grace to allow him into those areas even though it invites discomfort and even some pain. These potter verses have given me the courage to let him dig deeper into that garden of my life that it would produce fruit in these areas I have to keep surrendering to him. I have sensed the Lord showing me he is beginning redemptive work in me in some of the areas of past forgiven sin that only now am I ready to do. For he wants to redeem those areas as another part of my healing from the past.

Yesterday Julian and I had a pretty quiet day on our own. We made a quick trip to the grocery store in the morning and then out to the YMCA before lunch and other than that we were hanging out inside. I happened to open the front door to check if a package had come and Julian came to take a look outside. Being a cold day, the storm windows filled up with steam from the warm air of our oven from baking muffins. We were soon "finger painting" in the steam and taking turns one after another to make our little squiggles and blotches. It's amazing how something small like this can capture my son's attention and be so much fun.

On a friend's blog we found some fire truck videos and Julian just loved watching them drive around and around sirens and all. We watched them a few times and still I don't think he was tired of them. A little milestone is I've noticed he's finally using the duplos to build small towers, which is something he's never done. He liked handing them to me so I'd put them together and then he'd tear them apart. He also likes it when I build something and then he'd knock it over. So the building part is new. He's also taken an interest in the bristle blocks he got for Christmas and had them all over the living room in various Julian designs.

There's something about those Little People that Julian just loves. We keep finding them in different places around the house. Usually they're just behind things in our living room or in the hallway far away from his toy bins. But we really got a chuckle when we found his boots in the back hallway and inside each boot he had stuffed one of his Little People. It's something silly like that which touches my heart. It's just so cute.

Today we went to our MOPS group and the muffins I made actually worked out. I've never made them before so I wasn't quite sure how they'd turn out. I'd only had them at my baby shower. The recipe is on my Tracey's Kitchen blog that you can get to from the link on this site. Julian did really well in the nursery which was great since last week he had a hard time. We had just a nice relaxing afternoon watching PBS and hanging out together. We did a little finger painting and then played with his little music kit Julian banging on the drums and me playing the tambourine.

Now I need to go and get some rest since tomorrow will be a full day. Play group at Blackhawk Church at 9am, my women's bible study at 1pm and then Mom's Nite Out at Blackhawk where we are doing a soup swap. More on those things later I'm sure.