Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Whirlwind Three Days

So this post isn't all that I want to write about, but I am pretty drained so I'll just catch up on a couple highlights. It has been a whirlwind these last three days as I've learned a little bit of what it's like to have two toddlers in my care. I helped out a friend by watching her son while she picked up a substitute teaching opportunity. Monday, Tuesday and today her son came over at 7am and I watched him along with my son each day until around noon. I could say a lot about the experience. Like how much fun it was watching my son really start enjoying his friend. Like how hard it also was with all sorts of mini-crises to manage as this same son got very aggressive in trying to be the boss around his friend. Yet through this experience, I really felt an impression from the Lord having me step outside myself and look at how much of my day to day life, I just want to focus on myself. I constantly felt this pull to think of myself and something I might want to do "for me". OK, some were basic like "when can I eat breakfast" but others were just really selfish. I would get an image like sitting on the couch with my coffee reading while the boys played or wanting to get over and do something on the computer and trying to finagle things so I could focus on me. I think I was so aware of this pull to be selfish because I really couldn't do much in the way of things for myself having these two toddlers to keep watch over. I was having to frequently mediate because J was always wanting what Jackson had at the moment and he was acting out a bit more being envious of the attention Jackson was getting. I had to fight this inner selfishness asking if it was a real need for a little time for myself (which I'm pretty good at doing when I really need it) but I felt the Lord leading me to deny that showing me it was really a desire to "check out". I followed the Lord's lead and was able to find some memorable (and enjoyable) things to do with taking out my Where is Thumbkin CD and enjoying some singing and dancing with them or blowing bubbles in the room and watching them running around laughing and laughing for long stretches of time. There were some really neat moments we ended up having from letting go of that desire to "check out".

I've also been really wiped out by these three days. In addition to having the kids, I became a casualty of some crazy weather we've been having. We had a severe wind warning these past two days and had some crazy windy weather with gusts sometimes reaching 60 miles per hour. I ended up getting hurt yesterday after grocery shopping. I was putting groceries in my trunk when the wind caught the trunk lid and it slammed down right on my forehead. It was one of those hurts that is so bad it makes you cry (or at least made me cry). I never knew how much I use my forehead and eyebrow muscles in conversation until this happened! My forehead has a lump on it and it is so tender that all the talking I have done leaves my head aching. It is bizarre how painful it has been. This morning as I was lamenting this pain, I felt an impression on my heart to think of Jesus and the incredible, unfathomable pain he endured for me (for us) on the cross. I have tried to think of that every time it is aching and I just rest my head and picture just giving this pain over to the Lord. I felt the Lord taught me about this years ago when I had a shattered arm from a horseback riding accident and the pain was so bad it felt like a truck had rolled over my entire arm. At that time, I had the same picture (yet much more intense then) of imagining the pain Jesus endured and him wanting me to give this (uncomparable) pain to him. I don't know if that totally makes sense, but it's hard to put into words how he's teaching me in this way to deal with physical pain. It doesn't take away the physical pain, but somehow it becomes less overwhelming as I start relating to the pain in a new way (like Jesus is lifting it and enabling me to endure it). He is so good.

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